A rant. Consider yourself warned.
>> Monday, August 24, 2009
This is the air I breathe
This is the air I breathe
Your holy presence
Living in me
This is my daily bread
This is my daily bread
Your very word
Spoken to me
And I ... I'm desparate for you
And I ... I'm lost without you
I've always loved this song... It's so simple yet speaks write to the center of how I feel when life gets overwhelming. Those days when I don't know how I'm going to finish the day, but somehow....only through God's strength, I make it.
It's been one of those weeks. actually. two weeks. Union starts classes tomorrow. I honestly don't know why it's been so upsetting for me this time around. In January when they started back, I was fine. I had accepted the fact that I wasn't going to be there anymore. Not this time around... I find myself overwhelmed with jealousy when I get on facebook and see all my UU friends statuses about moving back in/seeing everyone/classes starting. Not "simple" jealousy of aw. i miss it. I'm talking anger jealousy. Crying I get so worked up over it. I miss it. everything about it and I'm tired of hiding it. I miss my roommates, my friends, classes, the professors, chapels, my church there, my college ministry there, jackson, random trips to the playground in the middle of the night, friends marathons when i should be studying, always having a friend around to talk to. everything.
To be honest, God and I have been at odds the last few weeks over this. I know this isn't "His fault". It's no one's fault. It's just life. but goodness...I'm really struggling to understand why I'm here and not there. I'm tired of people saying they understand. saying "God has you here for a reason". I know that. Unless the next sentence out of your mouth is going to tell me what that reason is, please don't say that to me.
I don't mean this to be a complaining rant type of blog entry...but it's just how I'm feeling right now. This blog isn't for me to paint a pretty picture of a picture perfect life. It's my life and its far from perfect....which means a few blogs every now and again will be a big of complaining and ranting.
....I guess that song says it best. I'm desperate for Him. Right now I'm completely drained inside. I just need to get away for a while and think. My best friend Elizabeth and I are going to the lakehouse this weekend. Perfect timing.
Thanks for reading....
Love. love. love.
Katie
